I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
