Your mouth is God's brothel.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
