I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
