ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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