How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
