Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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