Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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