Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
