Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
