I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
