So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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