Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
