my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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