do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
