At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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