just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
