just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
