too bad you live with your parents still
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
