If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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