When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she smelled like a LAN party
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
