someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
