On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
