Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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