Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I need a burrito and a hug.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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