Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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