Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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