White coat. Heels.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
