Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
