even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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