I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i think i have herpe
just one?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
