my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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