So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
