I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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