my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
