i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
