he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
