Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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