My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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