never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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