So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
