woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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