dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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