Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
