I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
