you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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