Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
