he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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