just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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