There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We have started to decorate penises.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
