I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize