Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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