I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
