Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
