My underwear smells like fireworks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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