Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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