I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
