Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize