great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
