You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
