tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I haven't been this sober since birth.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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