i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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