Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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