my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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