Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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