I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
accomplished twins. life is a go
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
