and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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