Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
