I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize