if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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