I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
