you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sext me about skeletons
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
