Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dicks are not precious.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
