Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My penis needs a shock collar
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
