i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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