He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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