I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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